Summer fun presents a great opportunity to get the kids together with a new partner. Dr. Ashley Anderson talks about bringing the most important people in your world together.
Written by Ashley Anderson
I vividly remember the moment I first saw him. He passed me in the VIP tent and lit up the entire space with his energy. I still remember my heart fluttering when he turned around and smiled. I looked up to the heavens and asked, “Lord, is that him?!” I remember so much about our first encounter, especially the moment that I told him I had two small children and he didn’t run. Instead, he was intrigued and asked questions about them, truly curious about this other piece of my life. I have to preface this by saying that when I met my partner, I had zero expectations. I’d been disappointed enough for several lifetimes in the marriage and encounters I’d had since my exit, so I had become perfectly content with keeping my focus on myself and my children while taking nothing too seriously.
But the more we talked and enjoyed each other’s company that evening, the more I started to wonder what this could become. I’d gone from Deborah Cox’s “How Did You Get Here?,” to Lake Street Dive’s “Hypotheticals” in about an hour. As the evening went on, it dawned on me that there would come a time when I’d have to introduce this man to my children. If this was going to go anything like I thought it would, I was going to have to cross that bridge I’d been somewhat mortified about.
I’d heard too many horror stories about women thinking a new person was amazing, then introducing them to the kids, only to have that person disappear, leaving everyone confused. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than bringing a new person into my precious boys’ lives who could hurt or disappoint them. The thought made my stomach churn. I read tips from all sorts of relationship experts, therapists, etc. about when to make this move and they ranged from when it feels right to a 6-12 month minimum. Steve Harvey even gave his insight on a good timeline in his book Think Like a Man. Everyone seemed to have an opinion but I opted to pray, trust my gut, and do what felt most natural.
Twelve days after the day I first laid eyes on this beautiful man, I invited him over to meet the boys, and he’s been a part of the family ever since. I’m going to pause right here and provide a moment of silence for those that are now thinking I am absolutely insane. It felt right for us and it turned out to be so. I have no regrets. In fact, here are a few tips I’d share about introducing the new “bae” to the kids.
1. Ask your partner if they are ready to meet the kids and respect if they say “No.”
You will most likely have a feeling about whether or not your partner is ready to take this step, but you should ask to be sure. Create opportunities to discuss what that first meeting should look like and give your partner some insight on what to expect with the kids — their personalities, favorite shows, likes, and dislikes, etc.
2. Make it fun and routine.
My first invitation was inviting him over for a movie night, something very routine for the kids and myself and something very casual.
Especially with small kids, you don’t need this moment to be a big “to do.” While it may be a big deal with you and bae, the kids need it to feel like they’re just meeting a new friend. By the end of the night, they were in their own little world, playing, chasing, and even a few cuddles.
3. Be mindful of your physical interactions at first.
I always say that kids don’t miss anything! Especially when you’re bringing a new person into their lives, they’re watching every move you make. Let them get comfortable with their presence first then maybe after a few meetings, ease into holding a hand. Save the kisses for a while.
4. Allow space for them to interact without you.
I found natural breaks to check on food or a load of laundry to leave the room and allow them to interact without me. Of course, I listened in to conversations and even peeked around the corner to see how things were going and how the boys interacted with him when I wasn’t there. That showed me how comfortable they were with him and gave me so much peace about my decision.
5. Ask the kids what they think of the person and allow their voices to be heard.
Adding a new person to their lives is a big deal and you want to acknowledge that. Answer any questions that they have as honestly as you can. I asked my kids what they thought and whether they liked him. I let them tell me what they enjoyed and if they wanted him to come over again.
6. Notify the other parent.
I’m going to connect this to the Golden Rule. Even if the same respect wasn’t shown to you, do unto others and set the example. Be very straightforward about the fact that there’s a person in your life who will be around the children. It’s more respectful to give a heads-up than to find out because the kids randomly start talking about this new person.
Summertime is a perfect time to introduce the kids to bae! Trust your gut, sis, it won’t steer you wrong.
