Just Ask Joyce: My Mother-In-Law is Unlikeable
Q: “There’s nothing about my mother-in-law I like. I tolerate her because she is my husband’s mother, but we are like oil and water when we get together. She’s not a pleasant person to be around. She’s had a difficult life and, apparently, is very bitter over the loss of a child and an eventual divorce. My husband feels I should be more sympathetic toward her. We are arguing more because when my baby comes in October, I certainly don’t want his mother’s negative, sour attitude influencing my child. How can I convince my husband of our need to pull back from her?”
Joyce’s FIX: It’s difficult for me to decide whose attitude might be more harmful to the child — yours or hers. After all, your son belongs to your husband, as well. I’m not dismissing your analysis of your mother-in-law at all. I am wondering, however, if perhaps a little more patience and understanding might be appropriate on your part?
Now that you will be a mother, you should have a keener sense of the gravity on one’s heart when a child predeceases the parent. It is a huge loss. However, it’s not a rite of passage that allows one to become embittered and allow resentfulness to affect others, nor to permit it to destroy one’s peace of mind. Many loving couples have parted ways after the death of a child. Most of us would be challenged in a battle of this magnitude.
I would encourage you that honey attracts more flies than vinegar. Why not make some surprise one-on-one visits to your mother-in-law? Sit down. Share a cup of coffee and a piece of the pie or cookies you bring along. Engage in meaningful conversation. Ask her to share her feelings about her tremendous loss, how she found the strength to walk through the storm, what it did to her emotionally, how she managed to carry on in rearing her other children while going through such a state of grief. Now that you’re going to be bearing one of her grandchildren, you might help her heal after so many years so that she will be an effective grandmother. Encourage her. Assure her that you and your husband’s child — her grandchild — will depend upon her to be a positive force in the child’s life. Work on building a relationship with your mother-in-law rather than dreading time with her.
Imagine how this approach could only serve to enhance your marriage. It’s a difficult position to put any man in— choosing loyalty to his wife or his mother. Both deserve it. I know not all moms are stellar examples of parenthood, and we have to look at those on a case-by-case basis. The complaints you have presented, however, do not lead me to believe she doesn’t deserve a second chance at life, and you could be the instrument for helping her step into a newfound peace after many years of pain. It could work; it might not. You will never know unless you try, and it will endear you to your husband for a lifetime knowing you at least put forth the effort.
Struggling with a relationship issue? Email Joyce Oglesby, Family Life FIX-IT Pro and find a solution for life.