Where Did the Love Go? And Can I Revive It?

Aug 11, 2018 | Just Ask Joyce

 “How can I revive my love for my husband? I don’t have eyes for anyone else, but my eyes have lost their luster for him. We’ve been married for 27 years, and I would never want a divorce. I do love him, but it’s not in a romantic way anymore. I know he senses it. I also know how much he needs me to respond to his love for me. I simply don’t feel a desire for him. What’s wrong with me?”
Polishing can restore the luster to cars and boats, gold and silver, even coffee tables and countertops. But to restore the luster in the eyes, you must first refine the heart.

What you are suffering from is not unique to you. Many women (and men) have experienced your love dilemma. I’m encouraged to know you’re asking for help. You have a longevity in legacy that you don’t want interrupted, but you deserve, as does your husband, to live out your years of marriage being fulfilled romantically and sexually. I believe that love can be rekindled when you have the willingness of both parties. Your husband certainly is willing, and that leaves you to assess your willingness. Having asked “how” convinces me that there is an inclination on your part to reawaken your senses. Here are some things to consider going forward.


  1.      Get a checkup. It happens. Menopause could be sneaking up on you or has already jumped on your back. When this happens, libido can plummet. It can set up a false illusion of not being in love because you simply don’t feel amorous. There are many remedies available to cure those ills. Consult your doctor, and don’t be reluctant to ask for therapies designed to stimulate you again.
  2.      Get into the mindset. You don’t have to be married more than two decades to feel as though you’re losing your desire for sex. Women are busy people. We are home managers, bringers of the bacon, taxi drivers, PTO organizers, and community volunteers. We throw parties and run the schedules of every family member. It leaves us little time actually to consider a night of lovemaking, much less plan a romantic encounter. Consequently, like everything else we plan, we often need to get into the mindset of love. Prepare your head, then prepare your bed. Commit to the night in the morning first to yourself, then to your husband. Throughout the day, you’ll be thinking about making good on your promise, and he’s going to be more than pleased you did.
  3.      The more you do it, the more you do it.  It’s much easier to get out of a habit than it is to get into one. Three weeks sets up a routine; three days gets you out of a regimen. Get back into a schedule of romance. I’m not suggesting a Friday-night-is-for-sex time. There’s nothing exciting about that kind of routine. I am recommending, however, that you make definite plans for romance. Put on music and dance in the kitchen on a Monday. Dress your table with flowers and candlelight on a Wednesday. Randomly write notes to your husband of something you love about him. When you act your way into a better way of feeling, the habit of love will be something you do more naturally.
  4.      Make yourself a list. Before you can tell him the things you love about him, perhaps you first need to remind yourself of what they are. Take yourself back to every moment you can recall of tender times, spontaneous and exciting encounters, historical markers in your marriage, holidays that were meaningful, and other times where you could eat him with a spoon. These are bonding moments. And just when you think the adhesive is not holding, a trip down memory lane can get you stuck like glue once more. Spend some time deliberately recalling when love was at its best.  
  5.      Don’t give up. If there are some areas in which he needs improvement, don’t be hesitant to address them with him. Love always works best when both are willing to make adjustments. Whereas not all men are cooperative in changing, many men are eager to please their wives and would happily make alterations when asked. It’s never received well in heated debates, but when tenderly approached and with gentle reminders, things can significantly improve.

There are means to revive love. Recognizing that it’s dying before it takes its last breath is a good step toward restoring your relationship. The sooner you start resuscitating, the quicker you will find your marriage has another few decades of life left, and the best is yet to come.  

Struggling with a relationship issue? Write Joyce Oglesby, Family Life FIX-IT Pro at justaskjoyce@gmail.com and find a solution for life.


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