My Live-In Boyfriend Seems To Keep Finding Fun Away From Me

Oct 12, 2018 | Just Ask Joyce

“My boyfriend comes and goes as he pleases. We’ve been living together for the past four years, and at first it was a great situation. Recently, not so much. We make plans and he forgets. I cook at dinnertime and he shows up an hour late. We used to spend all our time together, but now he has a night out with his friends and is asking for another. Even the weekends are not exclusively for us anymore. I keep the house clean and do the laundry. We used to pay bills together, now he wants to divide them up. From all indications there isn’t anyone else, and he still wants sex frequently. I do love him. What should I do?”

There might not be anyone else he’s interested in, but is he truly interested in you?    

        Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe whereas there is no guarantee cohabitation makes you a statistic of divorce, it definitely increases the chances. Of course, you must wait for the ring to be placed on the finger before you’re lumped into that category. That’s been known to take a while, if it ever comes, in cohabitating scenarios. The adage of  “why buy the cow when the milk is free?” still has great merit. Now, let’s address your issue.

The pattern you’re describing certainly displays a lack of respect, which begs the question: Why are you tolerating it? You must respect yourself before he will consider he should, too. Let’s try a simple 1-2-3 quick fix for your relationship dilemma.

       

  1.      Ask the question. It could be you don’t want the answer, but you deserve to know the truth. “Do you still love me?” If the answer is no, I don’t need to tell you what you must do at that point. If his answer is yes, pop the next question: “What’s changed?” You deserve to know why this new pattern has arisen. I find no fault in men nor women having a night out with friends. Of course, trust must be in place for couples to agree to this without conflict. But, his other patterns need an explanation as well.
  2.      Get back to status quo. The arrangement the two of you shared initially seemed ideal for each of you. In your discussion, discover the possibility of getting back to the way you were when love was fresh and exciting. Explain in detail how the financial picture makes you feel less secure about your future. Clarify the isolation you are beginning to experience in your relationship. List the disappointments you have when he tells you he’ll be home for dinner and fails to show or when he forgets the plans you’ve made. These all center around trust, which causes you even greater angst when he wants more nights with friends.   
  3.      Don’t be misled.  Don’t allow your heart to hear only what you want it to hear. You should know him intimately after four years of living together. Keep your eyes and mind open to how he responds with his body language as well as his words. If he declares his love for you is still intact, the two of you must come to a compromise today of how that love will look tomorrow. From your description of what’s occurring, it screams that he is  distancing himself from you. He must prove to you this is not happening, and agreeing on respect for one another is a great beginning.

What you want to avoid is wasted time and energy. It’s obvious you sense a significant change — you reached out to me. Yes, the sex is still in place, but it takes more than sex, even frequent sex, to make a heart content. People who love deeply don’t typically fail to remember the plans they’ve made with one another. There are many red flags waving. He needs to show you a white one soon to bring you to a level of comfort again. Surely you don’t want to continue to invest in a relationship that is going to have you doubting its genuineness. Finding no evidence of someone new doesn’t keep his behavior from getting old.

Struggling with a relationship issue? Send a message to Joyce Oglesby, Family Life FIX-IT Pro at justaskjoyce@gmail.com and find a solution for life.

Are you OK with with with being single or do have to be in a relationship? We’d love to know what your thoughts.