Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Just Ask Joyce: “My husband is not keeping his promises.”

Q: “My husband made promises to me when we married six months ago after dating for only a brief time. I have become very disappointed in his performance, however. This is a second marriage for both of us, and neither of us desires to fail at yet another. My children reside in this area. I also have a great-paying job. I have worked extremely hard to attain the position I now hold. He has floated from job to job and puts down my career path. He has not merged with my family members, and he now wants to uproot us and move several states away. He has no job in place, only a location. I love him, but he thinks I’m being unreasonable in not wanting to follow his dream. What am I to do with a situation like this?”


Joyce: A promise is only as credible as the person who makes it.

There are a couple of issues that give me cause for pause. Number one, “has not merged with family members.” Did he make an attempt in your brief dating period to display an accepting presence? Another red flag is “has floated from job to job.” I suspect there would be history of this sort of pattern longer than the six months of marriage. You might have been wise to have investigated that history more closely. Job and blending of family should be huge considerations in the selection of a lifetime mate.

A great marriage typically is equipped with a great plan for the future. No-job-in-sight is not grounds upon which I would desire to plant my roots. I would recommend you suggest to him to seek out a job that greatly exceeds the payscale you are earning before he entertains discussing what, for the time being, is nothing short of an elusive dream. You seem to be a career-minded individual. If he loves you appropriately, he should never lose sight of a big part of the driving force within you — one that was likely part of the initial attraction.

In the meantime, he should be making every effort to focus on building a relationship with your family. Blending with families in second-marriage scenarios is paramount. I would caution you, however, to assess this situation with a level of justice. Has your family accepted him, made him feel comfortable and embraced his position in your life? If there is nothing on the family’s part that is hampering his involvement, he needs to address this issue openly, responsibly, and with a willingness to resolve. Whether the two of you stay or go, visits on both sides of the map should be welcoming, loving, and pleasant.

For two people who prefer not to fail in a second venture of marriage, there will definitely need to be some concessions. The real issue boils down to: Who will be conceding? Your husband’s propensity of going against what he promised for your marriage has shaken your foundation of trust. I would encourage you to spend time in prayer about this, to seek reliable counsel, and to settle on a peaceful compromise. There will be little use to chase one partner’s dream if the other’s heart has been left behind.

Change your life … NOW! Write Joyce Oglesby, Family-Life Fitness Pro™, at joyce@justaskjoyce.com. I’m here to help! Check out my books and other resources today at JustAskJoyce.com.

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