Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Just Ask Joyce: 'My husband totally transformed after we got married.'

Q: “My relationship with my husband was good until we said, 'I do.' Then he totally transformed. Now, he's mean to me and my kids. He doesn't even let me talk to my mom unless he's listening in. He always yells at the kids, and when I try to stop him, he gets physical with me. Why does life get so much more complicated once you’re married than it is during a relationship?”

Joyce: Love’s vision quickly becomes 20/20 after marriage when it was so short-sighted in the beginning. It doesn’t surprise me that your husband was good until you said, "I do”; I do not doubt that for a second. People are generally on their best behavior pre-marriage. However, there are dynamics in every dating relationship that are generally good indicators of the truest character of a person.

First off, there are fundamental beliefs each of you have that should have been discovered in the beginning. For instance, what the picture of love between a husband and wife looked like to each of you would have been a topic to discuss up front. Is it patient and kind, keeps no record of wrong, is it boastful, self-seeking, etc.? Observing him around his parents would have given you an idea of how his father viewed his mother and whether there was mutual respect in place. Matters of discipline of the children should have been addressed. Each of these can be deal-breakers in most relationships and, unfortunately, most couples never explore those perceptions of the person with whom they fall physically and emotionally in love. How the couple regards each of these aspects of marriage will drive it either into the ground or to the moon and beyond!

From what I understand, your relationship was based upon a lie. He presented himself as someone he had no intentions of being once the ring was on your hand. Now, you have compromised your best interests and your children’s, as well.

Fact remains: you can’t bring back the past. But all is not lost, for there is hope for tomorrow. If you fear for your safety, take every precaution necessary to protect yourself and especially your children. I would seek professional legal counsel if there has been physical harm brought to you and fear grips your rational thinking today. I would stand firm in the fact that you were under false pretenses regarding his acceptance of your kids, his consideration of your relationship with your mom, and his love and respect of you.

Let him know there will be a change. Again, if you fear for your safety, have precautions in place to protect yourself at this announcement. Prayerfully, you will be able to sit down and discuss this in a calm and rational manner. Explain to him how the decision to marry him felt right, but now everything looks wrong. I would encourage you to seek marital counseling, because every marriage is worth salvaging. When two willing spirits are in place to work together for the common good of all concerned, compromise is easily attained. If he loves you as he should, he will institute changes that will win your heart, not shatter it emotionally.

It’s always unfortunate when Prince Charming turns rogue after the altar. That is why I always advise couples to go through every season of the year with someone in developing a relationship before any commitment is made. Fangs and claws can’t be disguised for long.

Change your family life … NOW! Write Joyce Oglesby, Family-Life Fitness Pro™, at joyce@justaskjoyce.com. I’m here to help! Order my bookends for marriage today at justaskjoyce.com. They’re for every marriage – the good, the bad, or the ugly!

1 comment:

  1. He sounds very controlling and insecure. It seems he fears you will reach out the most to your mother for help and he has that stopped. Counseling would be the first thing I would bring up to him, if he resists, then I would divorce. I don't say that lightly, but you and your kids deserved to be loved in a healthy way. Don't waste years...

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